Britney’s Best Videos

My previous post discussed the top 10 Britney Spears singles.  This post is devoted to her videos.  I’m not looking at the quality of the single, just how good the music video is.  Without further ado, here is my list of the best Britney videos.

1.  Baby One More Time – This is not just Britney’s best video, it is one of the best videos of all time.  Britney is in class, bored, and is waiting to get out.  Lo and behold the bell rings, she dances in the hall, hikes her shirt up, and dances around the school. Simple storyline, brilliant execution.  The Catholic schoolgirl outfit is to Britney what the red jacket was to Michael Jackson or what the wedding dress was to Madonna.

2.  Toxic – If James Bond was a hot 20-something pop singer, this is the video he would have made.  Britney is out to get revenge on the guy who did her wrong.  Various disguises ultimately pave the way for her to poison her ex.  Along the way, she dances around all nakedly with diamonds glued to her body.  In the end, this ends up being far more entertaining than any James Bond movie I’ve seen in the past decade.

3.  I’m a Slave 4 U – This video is porn.  Plain and simple.  A hot, barely clothed Britney is unfortunately stuck in a city of saunas in the middle of a drought.  All she wants is some water and when she can’t get that she decides to pant and sweat a lot.  Fortunately it rains in the end so she gets that drink of water.  In my eyes, this is far and away the sexiest music video ever made; not just by Britney, but by anyone.

4.  Oops… I Did It Again – Uh-oh.  Man has landed on Mars and stumbles on something that looks like a civilization, but what is it?  Turns out it is the lair of Britney, Queen of the Martians.  Britney dances around for this astronaut wearing a red catsuit that exemplifies the fact that Martian women have better breasts than Earth women.

5.  Stronger – Britney is cheated on.  In her anger, she drives through a thunderstorm and dances with a chair.  The chair dancing has some of her best music video dance moves and makes you really wish she would experiment with other types of furniture.

6.  Circus – Britney is the ringleader of the circus.  Not much of a storyline but the dancing around fire and animals is pretty cool.

7.  (You Drive Me) Crazy – Like many teenagers, Britney gets a job at a restaurant.  Her job waiting tables involves much more dancing and looks a lot more fun than my time working at Applebee’s during college.

8.  I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman – This sappy song features Britney just wandering around the desert, hanging out on some rock formations.  No plot whatsoever, but she sure does look good.

9.  Womanizer – Much like the video for Toxic, Britney is with a womanizing man.  She decides to spy on him and check out his womanizing ways by wearing disguises.  Ultimately she sexually strangles him and buries him in sheets.  She is also naked in a steam room for no apparent reasons other than to put at least some nudity in the story.  Hey it is a Britney video after all.

10.  If You Seek Amy – Britney wakes up after apparently hosted an orgy at her house.  On the way out she dances provocatively with various nearly nude party-goers while taking a pie out of the oven and greeting the press with her family.

Top 10 Britney Singles

Britney Spears is the most perfect of all the pop stars.  Her songs are catchy, she looks hot in her videos, and she doesn’t try to be something other than a pop star.  I never hear her telling me to vote, I haven’t seen a picture of her helping African orphans, and I have yet to read an interview in which she explains the depth of her lyrics.  Instead, she “sings,” dances, and makes killer videos.  There’s a reason why she’s been around as long as she has.  People may criticize her for lip synching or not writing her own material but she’s not trying to be a serious singer-songwriter.  She’s trying to be a pop star and she does it very well.  With Britney about to release a new album and Hold it Against Me already a number one hit, I thought I should take a look back at the most perfect pop star’s impressive discography.  I’m not including Hold it Against Me in this list because it hasn’t had enough time to resonate like the others have and the video has yet to be released.

1.  Baby One More Time – A pop classic that has stood the test of time.  Just like Michael Jackson and Madonna’s songs and videos were relics of the 80s, this single and it’s iconic video will always be remembered as one of the highlights of the 90s.

2.  Toxic – Another example of perfect pop.  Britney was no longer claiming to be a virgin and as a result made an ultra-risque video (who can forget the diamonds?) that accompanied the best pop song of the 2000s.

3.  Piece of Me – As a whole, Blackout is my favorite Britney album and Piece of Me is one of its standouts.  It’s fun, sassy, and extremely catchy.  I know everyone’s happy Britney’s all better, but listening to this song kind of makes you miss crazy Britney.

4.  3 – It’s Britney singing about a threesome.  What can be bad?

5.  Oops… I Did It Again – Another massive hit with another massive video.  This song is bubblegum pop at it’s very best.  She sounds fierce and that catsuit will live on in history.  Plus she has that oddly amazing reference to Titanic thrown in.

6.  I’m a Slave 4 U – The first time Britney decided to let the world know that she probably has spread her legs and she most likely enjoyed it.  This single was accompanied by her sexiest video to date.

7.  Stronger – The whole Oops… I Did It Again album sounds as though Britney could jump out of your stereo and kill you with her dancing.  This is the song in which she would pull that proverbial trigger.

8.  (You Drive Me) Crazy – One hell of a chorus that could make even Stephen Hawking dance around.

9.  Womanizer – Britney’s “comeback” single stuck in your head until you forgot that words other than womanizer existed.  In addition to a good song, we also get a video with a naked Britney in a sauna and, really, who doesn’t want that?

10.  Circus – Another big hit from her most recent album.  This single has, in my opinion, her best video since Toxic.

Well, there it is.  Sometime soon I plan on ranking her top 10 videos so be sure and check back.

Black and Yellow by Wiz Khalifa

Yuck.  That’s it.  It’s no longer 2004.  I thought crappy hip-hop was done.  I have absolutely no idea what so many people seem to like about this song.  Pittsburgh lost the Super Bowl now let’s lose Wiz Khalifa.

What the Hell by Avril Lavigne

My review of Pink’s F**kin’ Perfect criticized her for putting in less-than-family-friendly lyrics in her song just for the sake of being shocking.  The f-bomb didn’t seem to add anything, instead it just felt like Pink was trying too hard to say “I’m a rocker, not a pop star.”  Avril Lavigne’s What the Hell initially feels like it is going down that same road but thankfully it uses it’s PG-13 vocabulary as it should be used.

I really don’t like Avril Lavigne.  She just comes off as permanently unhappy, looks like a pale raccoon, and mixes pink and black far too often.  Up until about a week ago I thought she had gone back to Canada and stopped putting out crappy “punk” songs.  And then What the Hell crossed my path on YouTube and something told me to click play.  I did and was pleasantly surprised.  While it is far from perfect it is a definite improvement from the irritating Girlfriend or overly-emo My Happy Ending.

The beginning of the song isn’t anything special.  In fact, even after a few listens I’m not a fan until the first chorus kicks in.  The chorus is what makes this song.  The lengthened “What” and the “Baby Baby” are pop bliss.  It’s nice to see Avril without the pink skull and crossbones.  She almost seems likable, until you see the video and her raccoon eyes that are still hanging around.  Just listen to the song, turn off the video, and be thankful Avril isn’t telling us our girlfriends suck.

F**kin’ Perfect by Pink

Pink is an interesting singer to me.  Most of her songs seem to follow the same pop-rock formula with little variation.  Rock song, ballad, rock song, ballad.  It’s a pretty set in stone pattern.  I never really go out of my way to find Pink’s music on the radio or online because there’s just no real variety.  That being said, when I hear a Pink song I completely forget about that and sing along to the catchy melodies and over-the-top choruses.

I am not listening to F**kin’ Perfect at the moment, and as a result I’m not it’s biggest fan.  While I’m not offended by her use of profanity in the song, dropping the F bomb here feels forced, like she’s just saying it to be shocking.  It was used in Raise Your Glass much more effectively and had more punch as a result. Even though F**kin’ Perfect doesn’t stray too far from her slow song formula, there are certain lines that stay stuck in my head for the rest of the day after I’ve heard in once, namely the “Pretty, pretty please; don’t you ever ever feel” line.  I’m not sure if it’s because I like it or if it’s because it is perfectly engineered piece of pop music that does the job it set out to do.

I might sound like I’m bashing on Pink, but I’m not.  When I first found out that she was releasing a greatest hits album I was with a friend of mine and we both thought how unnecessary that album really was.  After looking at the track list, I found out how many Pink songs I really like.  Just Like a Pill, Don’t Let Me Get Me, Trouble, and God is a DJ are all excellent examples of great Pink songs and I’m not even including her contribution to the epic Lady Marmalade.

All in all, F**kin Perfect is just kind of meh.  Not great, not terrible.  It certainly doesn’t stand up to her better songs but I would much rather hear this on the radio than a lot of other stuff out there.

My Own Grammy Awards

In two weeks the Grammy Awards will be airing live on TV.  In theory, the Grammys are my favorite awards in the entertainment industry.  I can review all nominees by listening to a three-minute song as opposed to a two hour movie or a season of TV episodes.  In practice, though, the Grammys are absolutely horrible.  Their choices in nominees fail to reflect the popular culture of the time, and while popularity does not necessarily mean quality you can not tell me that Allison Kraus and Robert Plant’s Raising Sand was the most significant album of 2008 or that Herbie Hancock’s River: The Joni Letters was the best representative of music in 2007.  Instead of predicting the Grammy winners based off the nominee list, I am going to compile my own list of should be winners, regardless of whether or not they were nominated.  I have not idea what the cut off dates for submissions were or when my choice of winners released their music so my list is just for anytime in 2010.

Album of the Year: Body Talk by Robyn – Body Talk is many things; hipster, indie, artsy, but most of all pure, 100%, unabashed pop.  Creative wordplay throughout the lyrics accentuate the spectacular production.  Unlike many others, I did not like Robyn’s last album.  I found it too pretentious and cold but this is an inviting album that will make you think, laugh, and tap your feet.  Standout tracks:  Dancing On My Own, Fembot, Indestructible, Hang With Me, Time Machine, Get Myself Together, and Stars 4-Ever.

Record of the Year: Bad Romance by Lady GaGa – I know this song is nominated for a Grammy but I forgot which category.  Hopefully this one.  Lady GaGa saved pop music from one of the worst decades in pop music ever.  She deserves the sales, fame, and awards she has received the past couple of years.  While Telephone is my personal favorite song of her’s, Bad Romance is probably the better song artistically.

Song of the Year: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem and Rihanna – This song would be hard to beat in a category devoted to songwriting.  Lines like “Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems, maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano, all I know is I love you too much to walk away though” resonate in your brain and actually make you think.  I’ve been a big Eminem fan since I was in middle school and this is Eminem’s first decent song since 2002’s Lose Yourself.

Best New Artist: Ke$ha – While she may not be the best singer, she is one hell of an entertainer.  Her songs are fun, successful, and in three years Ke$ha will most likely be on the same road that Vanilla Ice is currently on.  Let her have an award while she can still get one.

Female Pop Vocal Performance: Bad Romance – Just read what I wrote under record of the year.  Other contenders include California Gurls and Teenage Dream.  Please note that while I do think Ke$ha deserves some sort of award, any category with the word vocal in it is not her’s to win.

Male Pop Vocal Performance: Break Your Heart by Taio Cruz – This is a hard category.  As a whole, the guys just did not bring it in 2010.  Usher was big, but I just don’t like anything Usher has put out since Yeah in 2004.  Break Your Heart had some good vocals, a great hook, and even better production.  I also like how a song with a line like “no point trying to evade it” can be a number one hit.  I can’t see T-Pain rapping the word evade.

Pop Performance by a Group: Hey, Soul Sister by Train – I really liked this song up until I heard it for the 961st time.  It was everywhere in 2010, but for good reason.  It’s a quality song with simple production.  My only complaint with Hey, Soul Sister is that sort of feels like it’s trying to be Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours 2.0.

Best Collaboration: Love the Way You Lie – I really want to give this award to Telephone by Lady GaGa and Beyonce for the sheer ferocity of their performance in both the song and video but I guess technically Eminem’s song is the better of the two.

Ke$ha

I have a deep and sincere respect for Ke$ha.  She has no vocal talent, her looks aren’t anything to write home about, and she spells her name with a dollar sign.  In other words, she has gotten as successful as she is today by starting from absolute ground zero.  She’s a like modern-day greasy, sleazy Cinderella.  And that is why I absolutely, unconditionally love Ke$ha, or as I like to refer to her, K-Dolla.

Because of her lack of vocal abilities, she has to try about 1.7 million times harder than other singers to make her songs even slightly listenable.  And listenable they are.  From the first time I heard her kind of speaking, kind of singing on Flo Rida’s Right Round (a contemporary classic in my book) I knew there was something special about this particular gift from God.  Flash to nearly a year later and TiK ToK is being blissfully overplayed and I discovered Ke$ha is not even attractive.  Ten years ago when Britney Spears, another less-than-stellar vocalist, took the world we discovered that she was essentially “virginal” sex on a stick.  Her undeniable sex appeal more than made up for her not being Mariah Carey.  Ke$ha does not have that luxury.  Ke$ha’s success came from hard work and singing about alcohol, two things Americans love.

Despite not being the greatest voice in Hollywood, Ke$ha has made some truly great pop songs.  The aforementioned TiK ToK is probably the best pop song of 2010 and Your Love is My Drug and We R Who We R are definitely near the top as well.  She does not try to be deeper or more important than she is and as a result makes some of the most fun music around today.  While Lady GaGa becomes more political and issue oriented, let’s all hope Ke$ha stays far away from CNN and continues to pump out the songs that make you feel like anyone can become a singer with the right amount of auto-tune.

Grenade by Bruno Mars

Grenade is the current number one song on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.  I’m not going to lie, I hate Bruno Mars.  Nothing on You with B.o.B. was average, I absolutely hated Billionaire with Travie McCoy, and if I hear Just the Way You Are one more time I might shoot my upstairs neighbor who seems to like that song much more than I do.  His airy, light voice sounds like it’s coming from one of those guys in high school who had a guitar and played in coffee shops.  The girls in skinny jeans and ballet flats and the boys in skinny jeans and with strategically unkempt facial hair seemed to love those guys but I was not one of them.  In fact, I do not think most people were.  I think even those who did go to see the coffeehouse performers liked the idea of that kind of music more than the actual music itself.  If I did not want to hear sensitive-boy singing when I was 17, I most certainly do not want to hear it coming through my ceiling at 23.

With all that said, I do not hate Grenade.  I think a major part of this has to do with the song’s production.  Bruno Mars no longer sounds like he is having an asthma attack while singing.  Instead you can actually hear his voice rather than him converting oxygen into carbon dioxide to a melody.  It also has emotion while his other songs all sound as if they came from the good-guy-with-a-guitar factory.

Final Verdict:  If Bruno Mars can continue to make unique music that does not sound like something Austin, the 17-year-old with an H&M scarf and guitar, wrote I might consider illegally downloading something of his.  He’s not up to the pay-for-it level yet, but Grenade is a step in the right direction.  However, all of this can change if I hear Grenade overplayed as much as his less worthy songs were throughout 2010.